July 10, 2017
You may think that visors are only for old men and people who golf but you couldn't be more wrong. Let me regale you with the reasons every man needs The Waylon Visor in his life.
BIG HAT would have you believe a ridiculous farce that the sun causes cancer. You ever see any medical evidence of this? Yeah didn't think so. Why is it the doctor wants you to take those Vitamin D Flinstones vitamins if the sun is so bad for you? Why is baseball allowed? Why aren't beaches banned? BIG HAT is in cahoots with BIG SUNSCREEN on this ruse friend. Kindly ask yourself, if the sun is so bad for us, why did the ancients base their calendars on it? Why do we set our clocks by it? I, for one, am tired of the sun getting such a bad rap. I bet he spends his time in the celestial body locker room being made fun of by Lysithea and Ganymede and Uranus. Do you know how bad your earth rap has to be to be made fun of by Uranus? A visor gets you those sunny rays friend. Your hair follicles need that glorious Vitamin D to stay shiny and flowing. A visor keeps the sweat out and the hat head away. Let's not even get started on hat head. BIG HAT is so deep they want you to look like you're wearing a hat even after you take your hat off. That's some mind bending hypnosis right there.
Did you ever wonder why some men are bald? It's not genetic. Its hats. Wearing a hat guarantees baldness. You can't prove otherwise. BIG HAT wants you to think they have your back keeping the big bad sun away and what not. But oh no friend. That couldn't be farther, further?, farther?, any more distant from the truth. Wearing a hat guarantees you will go bald at some point. Whether your hair falls out next week or upon death, all hair falls out. And it can probably be traced back to hat wearing in some form or fashion. Don't you want flowing beautiful locks? Wear a visor. Your hair will be on display for all the world to see. Wearing a visor proves you're not bald. It's the mating call of the hearty maned.
It's true. Some of history's most evil men wore a hat. Vlad the Impaler. Hat wearer. Stalin. Hat wearer. Osama Bin Laden. Hat wearer. Hitler. Yep, hat wearer. You know who never wore a hat? Jesus. Game, set, match BIG HAT. I know visors were't around in the Roman province of Judea in the first century, but had they been you know every fisherman from the Sea of Galilee to the Dead Sea would've been wearing one. Visors are for good men and good citizens. Hats are for evil dictators.
In closing, I'm hoping you've run directly to your closet or car or wherever else you keep your chapeaux de mal and cast them into the fire. Because remember, the night is dark and full of terrors for those who wear hats. So pickup The Waylon Visor. Today.
Chief Headwear Designer
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