The 2017 Skymall Gift Guide

The 2017 Skymall Gift Guide

If you're like me, you miss the halcyon days of air travel for one reason and one reason alone: the Skymall catelogue.  This ubiquitous magazine full of whimsical treasures was in every airplane seatback for what felt like decades until its abrupt bankruptcy in 2015.  Well what if I told you Skymall was back, and with a website?  Does that sound like something you might be interested in?  

Perhaps you're running out of ideas for some last minute Christmas gifts, well fear not.  Have I got some ideas for you.

Without Further ado:

1. Seriously Pink 128PC Household Kit


All tools were chosen with women in mind, gorgeous but light, comfortable and useable! Hang pictures & shelves, repair and put furniture together and much more! Included is a beautiful black and hot pink tote to keep all your tools together in one place!

Women you can do anything men can do as long as your tools are the right color.  I can think of nothing 2017 has taught us more than women like being inferior to men.  Just think of all the fun things you can do just like men do.  You can hang pictures of you and your girlfriends!  You can put furniture together!  If you're feeling really frisky you can probably even measure for some new drapes!  And don't worry because these are lighter than a man's big and heavy tools.  FINALLY, someone thought about the women!  Alas it is sold out.  PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THE CUTE TOTE LADIES!  TOTES ADORBS!

2. Hanging Kitchen Witch - 10"


Hang our 10" kitchen witch in your kitchen and she will make sure your pots won't boil over and your bread will rise. A product of European folklore, she is a powerful force for good in your kitchen. She keeps pots from boiling over, roasts from burning, milk from curdling, the cakes from falling and makes the bread dough rise every time. Believed to prevent any ill will from happening in your kitchen or home with the kitchen witch on duty. It is considered good luck to give a kitchen witch to a friend or family member.

Have you tried your luck praying Mom won't burn your favorite cookies?  Just down on God in general?  Well perhaps you should try a taste of the dark arts!  This stuffed animal prevents all sorts of kitchen maladies like forgetting to set the timer on reheated pizza and dropping an egg shell in the pan.  Be more like the Europeans and hang stuffed old women in your kitchen for a bit of dark good luck.  Alas, this, too, is sold out.  The Kitchen Witch is so hot right now.

3. Pina Colada Scented Womens Tee

Price: $29.00

Interesting and mouthwatering. These unique tees, with scents lasting for up to 20 washes, can be smelled up to six feet away. Deliciously Pina Colada scented and ready for the islands.

Finally, an item that's in stock.  I can picture the pitch meeting for this tee so vividly I'm surprised I didn't invent this shirt.  "You know what would be better than a tee shirt with a Pina Colada on it?  WHAT IF WE COULD MAKE IT SMELL LIKE PINA COLADAS!"  The good news is this shirt is ready for the islands.  You put this bad boy on and line up in C32 at the Southwest gate and you'll be drinking Pina Coladas WHILE SMELLING LIKE PINA COLADAS in 3-4 hours.  Cancun won't know what hit it.  The bad news is, well, it only has 20 washes in it.  Also, if you want your friends to smell the islands you need to sneak within 6' of them.  Can you imagine the PTA meeting when Barb gets a sniff of the best stocking stuffer of 2017?  "Is that your perfume?"  "No, no it's not Barb.  It's my scented tee."  MIC.  DROP.

4. 38" x 7' Polished Chrome Softmetal Stainless Steel Film

Price: $29.99

Our stainless steel adhesive appliance cover roll gives your retro and dated appliances a face lift. Simply peel and stick this adhesive stainless steel film over dishwashers, refrigerators, washers, dryer, cabinets and more. 

Has your wife or mother been complaining about not having any of those new fangled stainless steel appliances that were all the rage in 2004?  Well BEHOLD, a simpler solution.  Much like you covered your books in high school and drew cool Lamborghinis on them, now you can cover up that old Whirlpool with some faux stainless steel contact paper!  Imagine the smile on your face when your neighbor asks, "Amy, is that a new Viking fridge you got there?"  Can you hear that?  That's the sound of pulling the wool over your neighbor's eyes.  

But there's more.  Can you JUST use it on appliances?  Oh no, friend.  It will even stick to your CABINETS!  It says so right there in the description.  Imagine the look on Barb's face when she sees your pretend stainless steel kitchen cabinets!  Your entire kitchen will look like the galley of a space ship and all for only $29.99!  

5. Laundry Room Decorative Washer/Dryer Magnetic Decal

Price: $13.94

Our magnetic laundry decal will help you kick the wash day blues with its cute and colorful clothesline scene. Attaches instantly to the front of a top loading washer or dryer or other metal surfaces. Flexible poly'vinyl material with magnetic backing removes easily and won't mar appliance surfaces. 

Friend, do you have the wash day blues?  What if I told you I had the perfect gift to kick those wash day blues away.  Assuming you haven't applied fake stainless steel contact paper to your washer or dryer, have I got the magnet FOR YOU.  Would you look at that beautiful product photo.  I've never been impulsed to buy something more.  While you're standing in your laundry room sad as can be, just imagine your brightened mood when you see that outdoor scene of a clothesline and what looks to be some sort of sun-like celestial body.  Are those palm trees?  They could be.  In your imagination.  You do you.  And it's only $13.94.  WHAT A STEAL!

6. Large Bamboo Cat - Dog Hammock / Pet Lounge / Bed

Price: $99.99

Let them 'sleep like a cat' for real.Cats are known to sleep between 12 and 16 hours a day.  If you want to give your cat the best sleep ever, this luxurious pet hammock is your best friend's best friend.  The hammock also makes the perfect all-around lounging area for most domestic pets.  The light-colored cross-style bamboo frame lends structural integrity and a 33-pound load capacity, while the caressing ultrasuede pampers your pet from nose to paw. Assembling the cat hammock is easy and simple. The included brackets connect to the bamboo framing by hand - and with the help of a standard screwdriver, if at all necessary.

Are you tired of your cat sleeping on the furniture like an ungrateful foreigner in your home?  Say.  No.  More.  Presenting the Cat - Dog Hammock in all its glory.  If your cat or dog isn't your best friend this may not be for you.  But if you're looking for your best friend's best friend, well, VOILA.  Assuming your Cat and/or Dog is under 33 lbs. you are in for a world of joy watching your best friend and their best friend lay on their new best friend.  Have you ever seen a cat and dog sit so lovingly together?  No?  Well perhaps you need a Cat- Dog Hammock.  It may be that your best friend will now sleep 18 or 20 or perhaps even 22 hours a day thanks to  the caressing ultra suede that pampers and soothes.  The best part?  A screwdriver may or may not be necessary.  Buy one and FIND OUT.  Don't you kind of want to know?

7. Decorative Holiday Reindeer Toilet Cover Set

Price: $23.98

Our Decorative Holiday Reindeer Toilet Cover Set dresses up your bathroom for the holidays. Transforms any toilet into an adorable holiday favorite. A whimsical way to bring holiday cheer to your restroom. Set includes antler tank topper, seat cover and removable sticker eyes. Use year after year! Fits any size toilet.

Imagine Barb's face when she steps away from the party a second to look through your medicine cabinet and sees this DARLING reindeer toilet cover.  Oh you will be the talk of the neighborhood friend.  It simply TRANSFORMS the toilet into a holiday favorite.  Imagine the time your family will spend around the reindeer toilet soaking in the holiday cheer.  You can even remove the sticker eyes at your leisure for a fun and festive take.  Can you use it again and again?  Why yes you can.  This isn't one of those typical one-time use reindeer toilet covers.  Assuming your Febreze it liberally it will last for decades.  And it fits any size toilet.  So if you have a little one potty training you can use it for them as well!  Fall in love with your toilet again.  It's time.

 8. Police Car Tent



Let your children spend long creative hours as police officers chasing gangsters safely in their premium police car tent! Ideal for indoor and outdoor police adventures, this imaginative playhouse tent will thrill little policemen and policewomen!

What better way to teach your kids about the hard knocks of life than letting them spend some time in a squad car a few hours a day.  Once they learn how "the world works" feel free to let them be on the good guys' team for awhile.  Instead of playing Star Wars or Avengers don't you think your little tykes would enjoy chasin' gangsters?  What a timeless classic.  And if they get too loud, let them chase the gangsters outside.  Oh yes friend, this is an indoor/outdoor police tent.  And look at the police dog in his little cap.  Such a cute detail.  To you or me this may seem like a pretty boring way to spend an afternoon, but to the imagination of the child, they'll be catching the world's most dangerous gangsters with their sidekick Mr. Beagles for hours a day.  

9. Portable Manual Washer w/ Hand Crank & Metal Stand

Price: $59.99

Take manual cloth-laundering for a spin! The conveniences-and the costs-of the modern electric washing machine are not always close at hand. If your family often spends time camping for days or weeks on end-or if you simply want to reduce the time, energy and water used in your everyday life-this manual washer from makes doing laundry a breeze. Yes, it actually is faster to clean your clothes with this washer than with any regular washing machine.  Last-minute T-shirts Tommy got muddy? Done. Jenny wants her own washer in her college dorm room? Done. This offers a fast, easy, reliable way to get laundry done sooner and cheaper. Uses a mere 3.17 gallons of water to wash a full load of laundry; no electricity or running water required.

I don't know about you but just the other day I was saying to myself, "you know, the conveniences and costs of the modern electric washing machine are not always close at hand."  Well have I got the gift for me.  Doing laundry is a breeze with this hand cranked manual washing machine.  And its faster!  Take that technology.  Did Tommy get his t-shirts muddy at the park?  Well well well friend, just put down the tailgate, get your 3.17 gallon water jug and go to town cranking Tommy's shirts from dirty to clean faster than a regular old tied to home washing machine.  Is Jenny so entitled that she expects to have her own washing machine in her dorm room?  Well deal with that first.  That's just an insane request.  Jenny is going to face a dark cruel world if she's starting out as an 18 year old with these kind of expectations.  But THEN, show her this beauty and how it can crank dirt away AND burn calories.  Not only will you save money on electricity, I think you just found a way to drop that gym membership.  Suns out guns out while you sit on the porch cranking out clean laundry like your great great grandparents.  Only you don't have to go down by the river!  You don't need electricity.  You don't need running water.  You just need steady access to 3.17 gallons of water at a time.  What an amazing time to be alive.

 10. 2 in 1 Mosquito Repeller

Price: SOLD OUT 

Repels Mosquitos up to 322 Feet Away.  Twice The Repelling Power, Uses a Fan To Blow The Smell Of Scented Citronella Pads and Sonic Sound To Keep Mosquitoes Away.  Built-in Belt Clip Allows You To Secure The Item Around Your Waist.  Includes 2 Packs Each With 4 Citronella Scented Pads, a 4 Month Supply.  Clips On Your Belt, Requires 2 AAA Batteries.

One of the world's biggest problems facing men today is unwanted mosquitos.  What if there were a way to ward off these unwanted pests?  Do you have room beside your phone on your belt for your new best friend?  Keep Reading.  Do you also like the added benefit of emitting citronella smells from waist level 24/7?  BEHOLD the 2 in 1 Mosquito Repeller.  Not only will you be the best smelling man in the Chipotle line, but you'll be fighting mosquitos sonically as well.  You're a complicated man.  Use a complicated solution to a simple problem.  You seem like the kind of man who has dozens of AAA batteries from Costco lying around.  Slap a few in your back pocket and fight these insects head on today.  Fear the outdoors no more.

11. Automatic Shut-Off Electric Egg Cooker


Price: $24.99

Conveniently cooks 1 to 7 eggs in minutes.  Clear top allows you to view eggs while cooking, egg tray allows you to easily transport and serve eggs.  Make eggs using the DB-Tech egg cooker in a jiffy and you can choose from soft, medium or hard-boiled. It is extremely easy to use just measure out and add the required amount of water using the markings on provided measuring cup, pierce the eggs with the included pin (to eliminate cracking), then place the eggs on the tray, plug it in, and switch it on. The steam will cook the eggs, so you can have perfectly boiled eggs every time. When the buzzer sounds your eggs are done, just the way you love them, ready for cooling and serving using the same removable tray they're on.

Do you love doing easy things in a complicated and unnecessary way?  Well if you said yes to the mosquito repeller then you're DEFINITELY going to want to pull the trigger on this bad boy.  Forget putting water in a pot, this is SO much simpler.  Simply remove this contraption from your stainless steel faced cabinets, plug it in, find the other plastic bits that someone else in your household hid in the bottom cabinet, find the measuring cup in the fridge where it is now full of jello, rinse it out, measure the water out, forget looking for the included pin because that is long gone, so use a safety pin to prick your eggs, then place them on the tray, plug it in and switch them on.  You'll have the perfect boiled eggs your heart desires in no less than 45 minutes.  You simply don't have the kind of temperament to quickly boil eggs in a nondescript pot like some kind of savage.  No you need to switch things up.  You're a techno guy.  And there's even a buzzer!  Who doesn't love a good buzzer?

12. Terracotta Clay Banana Baker W/ Lid

Price: $9.03

The riper the banana, the tastier the flavor! Don't throw away over-ripe bananas! Turn these versatile, healthy fruits into the most delicious creations you could ever imagine! Simply peel an over-ripe, spotted banana, place it in the Baker and add your favorite yummy toppings such as brown sugar, nuts, sprinkles, chocolate sauce or even rum.

If you're like me you find yourself with A LOT of over-ripe bananas and not a single solution for them.  Well waste fruit no more.  You're about to be introduced to a whole new world of baking fun!  If you don't want to eat that over-ripe spotted banana simply throw it in this convenient baker and prepare to enter taste bud nirvana.  No one is looking, you can add some rum.  Imagine that terracotta oven inside your oven cooking the sweet taste of left over spirits into that rotten banana.  Nothing says "I thought of you when I saw this" like a terracotta banana baker.  And it's affordable as well!


Merry Christmas!

-Adam (Parlewe Secret Santa)

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