I don't know about you people but I don't normally watch Oscar movies. I thought "The Fate of the Furious" was a cinematic marvel. It may be the greatest human achievement of our lifetimes. But we're trying culture in 2018, and for that reason, and for you, we sat down and watched all 9 Oscar nominees for Best Picture. On purpose. The following is our take:
Dunkirk (Darkest Hour II)
I'm almost positive Dunkirk is about World War 2. It is really hard to tell because I didn't see any Nazis. I was told there were Nazis, somewhere, but you don't really see them. The basic premise is that a lot of English speaking people, I assume from England, are stuck on a giant rock bridge which they keep referring to as a mole. There is very little talking in this film. The guy who was in "Mad Max" shows up and uses his Bane voice from "Dark Night Rises" because he was also in that film. He is in a plane most of the time. There is also a guy from One Direction I recognized. He plays a speaking soldier. The speaking was much welcomed. I am not sure who won the war. The movie ends with one soldier who never speaks reading a newspaper. Tom Hardy lands his plane on the beach which seems difficult. It was good.
Run time: 2 Hours
Rating: Not Saving Private Ryan
Darkest Hour (Dunkirk II)
Run time: 2 Hours
"Darkest Hour" is the sequel to "Dunkirk." Well sequel is a misnomer. It's more like a parallel story. Darkest Hour is "Rogue One" basically. No that's a prequel. Dammit. The events in this film are roughly happening at the same time as the events in "Dunkirk." That's all you need to know. While all these silent soldiers are waiting on a pier in France, yeah they basically don't talk, Winston Churchill becomes Prime Minister I think? Anyway he gives a great speech and apparently they fought the Nazis until America shows up. The movie leaves it unclear who won World War 2 but according to rumors, America did. It was okay.
Call Me by Your Name
Run Time: 2 Hours
Rating: Semester Abroad
I am not sure what this movie about. There is a really weird scene with a peach. It takes place in Italy. There are bicycles. For a second I thought it was going the way of "The Talented Mr. Ripley" but no one is murdered. Spoiler alert: people fall in love. You don't need to see this movie.
I need to discuss the modern movie going experience for a second. You used to go to the movies and get popcorn and Sour Patch Kids and a very large Coke. Now I can get IPAs and Artisan flatbreads and let me quote this one so I don't ruin it: "lightly fried brussel sprouts with garlic, red onion, and apple cider gastrique." We're 70 years removed from being shot at by Nazis all so that we can eat brussel sprouts with apple cider gastrique while we watch movies. No.
Now there are pagers involved and food is delivered to you. The whole thing is overwhelming. It's like being at an Applebee's only all the lights are out. It really affected my opinion of this film because there was too much rosemary on the flatbread I got and instead of being entranced by this 1980's period piece of European unrequited love, I was left with a really smelly plate on the tray of my reclining theater chair. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?
This movie was not good.
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Run Time: 2 Hours
I will start out by saying I liked this film. The basic premise is when a crime occurs in rural America, instead of calling 911 you ask the police to solve it on billboards. You also should name the Sheriff or Chief of Police on the billboard message so he is sure to see it. According to this film, law enforcement really responds to this.
This movie has everything: racism, bad accents, do-rags, cursing, Tyrion Lannister, suicide, a lot of drinking, allusions to domestic abuse. It's a real carousel of "What?"
As a result of this movie I think we should put 3 billboards in Alaska which should say the following: "Nuclear Weapons Bad!" "And Still No Action?" "How come Congress?" I believe this would solve the North Korean problem immediately.
This movie was good.
The Shape of Water
Run Time: 2 Hours
Rating: Ray Lewis is a free man
Stop me if you heard this before: mute janitor in a Cold War era secret government facility falls in love with a merman. Really it's a tale as old as time. I've heard rumors that this is the runaway favorite to win and really it makes me question what we are doing. Really, what ARE we doing?
Some things you should know: you can keep mermen alive in bathtubs with table salt. They can heal wounds like sorcerers. Mermen can mate with humans and turn them into mermaids. Yeah the janitor turns into a mermaid at the end. I don't think he can make her speak though. I didn't see evidence of this. One of the NASA scientists from "Hidden Figures" is involved. There is little math though. It is not clear who wins the Cold War.
It is a really lousy war movie. Most overrated thing in Baltimore since Cal Ripken Jr. won a Super Bowl. Don't see this movie.
Run Time: 1 Hour 35 Min (Thank God)
This movie isn't set in a cool older decade or in the future but in 2002. I will pause to let you read over that again. 2002 is a terrible choice for a year. Michael Jackson was dangling babies over balcony railings. People still talked on phones. This is a perfectly hipster thing to do.
The movie opens with this girl and her mom listening to an audio version of "The Grapes of Wrath." That is a terrible book. There has been no greater crime committed against society than convincing people "The Grapes of Wrath" and "To Kill a Mockingbird" are good books. Those are the Oscar nominees of literature.
Basically this movie is about a teenage girl and her mom fighting. It is a very original tale. They could have at least added a merman or billboards or something. It was boring. Only excitement for me was the camcorder of whoever recorded this and put it online shook about three times during the movie. Brought a sense of humanity to it for me.
Run Time: 6 Hours
Rating: Not a Superhero Movie
Just look at that poster. Someone spent a week in Photoshop on that. "STREEP. HANKS. That's Oscar gold baby!" 16 people sat around a conference table in California and simultaneously high-fived when they saw this. But wait, there's more. Steven Spielberg directed this. How can it not win?
You might have been reading the incredulity coming out of the movie critics about why this movie isn't getting more buzz. The media is SHOCKED this isn't a front runner. And you wanna know why? Because this movie is a superhero movie for journalists. Didn't you know D-Day never happens if reporters don't report it? REPORTERS ARE THE REAL HEROES!
Apparently people used to read words on paper the day after they happened and that was "the news." Weird right? I get all my news from old people on Facebook. Did you know fluoride is a mind control drug? Who knew. This whole film turns Meryl Streep into some kind of heroine meanwhile my Great Aunt Ethel can post deep state JET FUEL CAN'T MELT STEEL videos for the entire world to see. 2018 is better than 1971 in every way. This movie may as well have been about wagon wheel making.
You should watch this in pieces over the several months it will run on HBO. It will be on TNT on mute in emergency rooms across the country in 2021.
Run Time: 1 Hour 45 Minutes
"Get Out" is about meeting your girlfriend's parents only those parents believe in transplanting their old white brains into black bodies for some reason. Sorry, spoiler alert.
This movie is weird and I just got done watching a movie where a mute janitor has sex with a fishman which I didn't think existed. The girl who played Peter Pan is in this making this her second weirdest role.
The moral of the story is you should never meet your girlfriend's parents unless you are sure they can't put their own brains into your skull.
Phantom Thread (Misery 2)
Run Time: 2 Hours 10 Minutes
Rating: This is Plagiarism
Have you ever read "Misery" by Stephen King? It was also a movie. This is Misery only set in the 1950's and dressed up as a fashion movie.
So this weird guy makes clothes for rich people and cycles through a litany of muses to inspire him. By the way, muse isn't a word we use enough. Everyone should have muses. People you just stare at until you get an idea and say "By jove I think I've got it!"
Anyway Abraham Lincoln finds a new muse but she's like low-key crazy and tries to poison him with mushrooms. He gets sick and she nurses him back to health as she enjoys seeing him so weak and fragile. Basically Kathy Bates in "Misery."
They get married because he is so moved for her care of him and what does she do? She poisons my man's omelet because apparently she likes sick husbands only this time he figures it out. In a shocking twist he allows her to poison him because basically he's a wacko. The movie ends with an implied future sequence of poisoning, being sick, being cared for, and being healthy again. That's true love right there.
Well there you have it. I would see maybe 2 or 3 of these again but I will watch The Fate of the Furious 70 more times.